Objects in the Mirror

Don't. Look. Back!

I try to remind myself if this overtime I see someone I use to know.  Someone I once called "friend".  Every time I get the "you were on my mind..." text or the "I've been meaning to..." message on FB.  It's really tiring trying to move forward and carry what was behind me at the same time.  I realize, now, that people like to keep atlas one toe in the doorway of your life so they can tiptoe in and out, unnoticed, when it's convenient.

I am learning that the farther I walk, the smaller things look in my rearview. People become distant. Grow apart. Grow up. Grow out. Whatever you want to say. We say things are just different, but what? When did it become different? We like to say that it is nothing, but it's everything because we always have that nagging wonder of "What happened?" in the back of our minds. You always wonder. I wonder.

In a nutshell, Ive come to the conclusion that it's one person in the act of walking, moving, and the other is standing still. Perspective. Change is always closer than it appears and we just have to be ready for it. Maybe I just missed the signs. Wasn't paying attention to the exits all along friendship highway. I thought we were going one way, but it turns out that they had already chosen their exit, but they wait until you stop at a gas station for snacks because they can't go on their way without the nourishment you provide. They have to have something to remember you by right? Unfortunately, you don't have a say in what they take. You just happen to look up one day and it's gone/

A little bit of your love, kindness, compassion, understanding, and patience is gone. Possibly forever. One can never truly know if it'll return. The day always comes that you see them on that same highway. Thumb out. Wanting a ride. Again. What do you do? Speed by and look at them through the rearview? Peel all the way out? Fishtail a little so you can hit them with a little gravel? I don't have the answer to that right now, but I'm riding on cruise control until I find it.

I know I'm not the only one...

     So, I turned 30 on the 30th of December 2014. Yipppeeee! Not really. I found myself wondering what would I do next. I wondered why I hadn't accomplished more in my 20s. Why didn't  I see and experience more things? The truth is, I still don't know. I won't say that I didn't want to turn 30, that would imply that I intended to die prior to the age or found some sort of Benjamin Button thing that would keep my in my 20s, but I definitely was not looking forward to it. I didn't even know how to celebrate it or if I even wanted to. "Luckily", I got sick a few days prior and didn't have to bother with the whole ordeal. I know I'm not the only way who has had such feelings. Especially, being a woman. Emotions run high on some things.

Anyway, here I am 30 and under accomplished. Under achieved. Under. Under. Under.  I was suppose to do so much. I always thought I would have, at least, one child before 30. I feel like now is too late. I don't want to be the "assumed" grandma at my children's events. I was under the siege of cacophony of sounds and visions of loss and my long list of shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Now, as I look over the bric-a-brac that makes up my 20s, I am so glad to be done with it. Good riddance 20s! Hello to the potential of my 30s. I had to pull out a more positive outlook because things were looking dire. I would not want my creator to believe me to be ungrateful for all that He has brought me through.

Although, I am not one to believe that "30 is the new 20" or any nonsense like that, I do believe that greater things lie ahead of me. Am I the only one? I may be a wee bit more wise than I was in my 20s. I did a host of stupid things during those times. Many of which I am now ashamed, but turning 30 has given me a clean slate. I think. I guess I won't walk off any jobs in my 30s or burn so many bridges that I can not see for the BLAZE! Oh, how glorious was the blaze though. I miss setting, figurative, fires. It can still happen in this decade. 

I just want more clarity in all things, be better in all things. Love more. Be nicer to people, for I was not nice to a lot of people. In my mind, they did not deserve my kindness and deserved what they got, but that's not how things work. I'll try to live the Golden rule more. I will do unto others…I think. A friend of mine called it, the Golden birthday, so I guess y'all can call me Jill Scott. 

What to Expect When EVERYONE ELSE is Expecting

     The following conversation, in more ways than one, happens to me quite often. Most recent occurrence being two weeks ago, give or take. It goes as follows:

Rando person: Hey Friendella, I haven't seen you in so long! You look good. Any kids yet???
Me: No. Not as of yet.
Rando: Why not? What YOU waiting on?
Me: (Smiling trying to be polite) Ummmm, I truly don't know what to tell you.
Rando: Are YOU trying?

INSERT THE MOST DRAMATIC OF PAUSES

  After this point, I am so done with these kind of exchanges in their entirety. Really, am I trying? Are you seriously going to ask me that right now in Kroger/WalMart/Target/Party? Clearly one could insert any random place there. My question is, would you also like to count my eggs or better yet calculate how many I might have left?

People, honestly, it is absolutely NONE of your business what is or IS NOT going on within my reproductive organs. Maybe I don't have any ovaries or uterus of which to speak. Hoooow about that? Tsk tsk tsk. We ask such personal questions these days. We have no limits to what we will ask people. What makes us so damn comfortable really?

I have been bombarded with questions and expectations concerning children since getting married and some prior to marriage because, as we all know, WE are suppose to have our children young, have baby daddies, collect meager child support checks, and tolerate real questionable visitation. At this point, sorry if this disappoints, I'm not 100% sure I even want children with the way the world is set up. It's going down hill fast. Maybe I am incapable of having children at all. Will that make me less of a woman, sister, aunt or wife because of it? Will YOU die or be heartbroken because of it? I should think NOT!

I'm sick of all the unnecessary pressure of people insisting that "You should at least have one." Currently, I enjoy my life as it is. I can come and go as I very well please, only being responsible for little ol me. IF I so desired, I could pack up, move, change my number, change my name, and disappear. Some times I think about that at length. So, let me live and be great. Stop pressuring me. Unfortunately, I do not have, in my possession, a magic wand which I could wave and "magically" become pregnant.

To close this on out, let's be real about the situation, more than half the people with all these questions concerning offspring won't even purchase expected baby a pair of socks, onesie, or even be around whenever, if ever, they arrive. I ask you to do two things:

1.Increase your chill.
2.Stay in your lane.

That is all!